My Narrative of Sexual Violence: Feelings in Conflict with Beliefs

Dear FC, I am …. speechless.

If someone had continued making love with me, aware that I was uncomfortable with it, that I was, probably, too spaced out to stop it right there, and then left a half-apologetic note admitting as much, without having the maturity to stay and discuss it. Well, I would SCREAM MY F*CKING head off every time I thought of it – anger; disgust; outrage; punishing them for doing it, myself for getting into the situation, for not being strong enough to stop it; ….

…..trashing my faith in my judgment; hating the degrading of erotic intimacy; wondering if I could share myself with someone again as deeply as before; etc, etc.

Yet you analyse it, on reflection, with such balance and self-awareness and perspective. You don’t excuse, but you acknowledge the games one plays, the mechanisms of self-recrimination and of explanation seeking.

The world is such a shitty, unappreciative place. How could another person know you, FC, and not want almost to worship your lovely integrity and humanity? “Almost”, of course, because idealisation and veneration, even on the purely human level, are dangerous pastimes

I don’t know how to do justice to your bravery, honesty and resilience. You are a very fine person.

I hope you’ve got several people good enough to deserve your friendship and love.

Regards and ♥♥, andrea